My Letter to God: Assuming One Exists.

Dear God-Elohim-Adonai-Yahweh-Jehovah-Lord-Almighty-Creator-etc.,

If you are there, I hope you get this. Considering my current state of belief regarding the issue of your existence, this feels kind of masturbatory – and not in a good way – but I think I would like to write to you anyway. I have to ask you a couple of questions and no, I am not expecting answers, so I guess that makes them rhetorical. As you might know, I also have complaints and, considering they have to do with you, I figured I might as well discuss those too. Consider this a way of clearing the air between us. Of course, this is assuming there is an “us” and I’m not just writing to myself.

To start, I would first like to address the hypocrisy and general insanity of your followers. I admit, to start with such a topic is a bit heavy handed, but I would like to start with one with which I am the most vexed. I am going to concentrate mostly on the fanatical and most pious because the moderates in all of the religions that worship you function quite well in your average society. It is the egregious actions and, so-called, moral standards of the fundamentalists that really need a lesson on the proper way to conduct oneself around others. Most of them are not violent, but the ones that are, really are and they start wars and spread havoc, and have used their hateful doctrines (which you gave them, I might add) to justify rape, murder, oppression, war, discrimination, segregation, genocide, slavery, molestation, harassment, and civil injustice, just to name a few. This is not to mention the countless numbers who have slaughtered each other because they happen to believe a different version of a book that you had someone write or listen to what a different prophet of yours had to say. Come to think of it, why did you have to send more than one prophet? Do you know what trouble you’ve caused [see: above]? I don’t think you do, because if you did, you would fix it by sending another one and ending this incredible mess you have made. Just make sure to have this new one have a little fun and make sure to let everyone know that he is it: the last one. Also, be sure he makes us legalize pot and like gay people. Trust me on this, he will be well received and you will make life here much more enjoyable.

Speaking of this whole “life” thing that you gave us, why did you even bother with it in the first place? What could I possibly learn here among people like me that I could not learn someplace else among people like me? The only thing I have gathered from it, is that you are waiting for us to do something that you have deemed wrong so that we will get sent to that bad place all those men in funny hats that we listen to tell us about. I am just not convinced there is anything I could not do here that I could not do as a little ball of spirit stuff somewhere else. I have heard that you are testing us, but what is the test? Especially considering that failing the test results in an eternity of suffering. Even someone like Hitler should not receive an infinite amount of suffering for a finite crime. For someone that is supposed to essentially know everything, you have seemed to miss this tiny flaw in your own logic.

That is another thing, logic. It just seems to get in the way of things and the fact that you would create us with such an ability is astounding. If I were to create beings that I wanted to believe, follow, and trust me, I would never instill the ability for logic in them. I would hope that they would never be able to use such a thing as logic to ask me, their creator who, like you, would tell them I was all powerful and all knowing, if I could make a stone large enough that even I could not lift, create a law that I couldn’t break, or make a decision that I was not aware of my already making. Our basic ability to use logic also gets in the way of the whole faith thing, too. Since we have logic to work with, we like to use evidence in order to support our claims and make a clear distinction between what is part of reality and what is not. It is why we do not buy that whole “Eden” thing, and rightly so, when we look at fossils, geology, carbon dating, tree rings, and the process of natural selection. Your requirement of faith simply asks us to abandon this. What is it with faith and why now all of a sudden? The people of your many holy books, including the bible, not only heard you speak, but were witness to both your wrath and occasional blessings. Why make us abandon basic logic and accept something with which there is seemingly no evidence for? It seems sort of cruel, if you ask me. Especially, since all you have to do is say, “hi”.

Let us talk about the aforementioned “Eden” creation for a second, and why you would create a universe so vast and magnificent only to place us on a tiny little sad insignificant microscopic chunk of rock somewhere near the outside of a massive galaxy at the end of an arm of a massive supercluster and make the laws of the universe such that it is near impossible to navigate. I could not possible imagine the purpose of making so much “stuff,” especially when you consider how we are never going to see most of it. Also, why claim to care so much about life if we are the only [known] things you have created?

I mentioned your cruelty before and I wanted to get back to that for a second. In all of your texts you seem to obsess over the mundane and redundant. You chastise us for ridiculous things like eating the wrong kind of dead thing, not slicing off a chunk of our penises, and forgetting to cover our hair, among so many countless others. What’s the point? Why would you make a species in your image and tell them to chop, cover, remove, replace, stitch, and cinch themselves in ways that make them uncomfortable, because you just don’t like them the way they look otherwise, anyway? It seems easier to just make us the right way to begin with so you don’t have to bother with all the nonsense.

Speaking of nonsense, I cannot forget to mention the ridiculous way you have chosen to speak to us. I understand that what we have has been translated several hundreds of times and that we do not even have the full version on account of some early Christians voting out some text, but why speak with such indetermination, especially when addressing incredibly important topics? Do you know how many years we’ve spent trying to figure out what it all means? If you mean to say something, just say it. Don’t use ridiculous metaphors or those parables that your son was so fond of using all the time.

Lastly, I just have to mention the large mammalian in the room because it’s old and it stinks: What is your issue with gays and women? I can’t help but notice the way you’re constantly putting men on a raft and leaving women out during high tide. It’s like a girl dumped you in high school and you just can’t get over it so now you have to make everyone else miserable. I’m not going to dwell, because you know what I’m talking about, but it is really annoying to me. Oh, and about us gays, do not make us if you do not want us, and if you do, rewrite those books of yours –  they still seem to be in a rough draft [see: above].

So, if you really are out there listening, I hope I was not too much of a bother for you, God-Elohim-Adonai-Yahweh-Jehovah-Lord-Almighty-Creator-etc. I mean that sincerely and I know that you must be really busy at the moment, so it is here I will let you go. Thanks for your time, among a few other things.



  1. Geri Wellema. Oh Michael, let me start by saying I truly love you. I wish I hadn’t read this “letter.” I couldn’t sleep, so much on my mind. I decided to get out of bed and poke around Facebook. I went on your moms page to wish her a happy birthday and was scrolling to see who else had wished her a happy birthday and came across your “letter.”Why must you make a mockery of religion? If you don’t believe just leave it alone. Is anyone beating down your door asking you to join a religion? I suspect not. Yes, I know, freedom of speech…yada, yada, yada. And as I said, I came across this, you did not take out an ad in the Times. But, since I read it in its entirety, I felt compelled to respond. Being catholic doesn’t mean that one is perfect. On the contrary, we know as Catholics that we live in a world of imperfect people including us.this is why we pray and go to church, to try to be a better person. I start my day by thanking God for yesterday and ask Him to walk with me through my day today, and help me do the following…may I, this day, be a gentle voice of hope for someone in despair. May I perform a kindness which affirms another and reminds them that they are lovable. May my eyes see Jesus in every person who comes my way, regardless of their appearance, and may my presence in the life of another remind them that they are never alone. Lord, give me the grace and the strength to be the person You have called me to be. Let me never tire of doing good and sharing the blessings You have first shared with me. Does that sound like a terrible way to start ones day? I think not. This Michael, was written by Fr. Patrick Ryan. He is the priest that renewed our vows, he is not only my priest in my parish, he is a very close friend. I’ve asked you a few times to sit with him, talk with him, question him, but you won’t. You just continue to degrade all religions and people who follow them. You are a highly intelligent person with years of schooling, I, on the other hand, was not a good student and my highest level of education is the 12th grade, yay I graduated!! I cannot compete with your words and quite frankly, I don’t want to. If everyone would stop being so judge mental of each other the world would be a better place. If I don’t agree with ones beliefs I simply leave it alone, I don’t berate there beliefs. I accept everyone for who they are, well, let me say I try, I don’t always do the right thing or say the right thing or act the right way. I am human, therefore I err. I have babbled on and on and I am choosing not to reread this before I post it. My eyes are tired but my mind isn’t. I’m going to go out on a limb and say I think you care about me, you like me, you really like me..and I really care about you, so maybe it’s best we don’t discuss this and agree to disagree. I hope to see you at my house next Friday for Diane and Ellen’s wedding!! And on that very night I will silently ask God to bless them.


    1. Jeri, I never meant that as a mockery of religion at all. I am and always will be a philosopher. My job is to question and be questioned. I was not making a mockery of anything, anyone, or even of God. This, like everything I write, simply came to me as a way to compile my questions and comments having to do with religion and God in a light-hearted sort of way that reflected more of my own personality. I don’t know if God exists, and I truly mean that. There is no way for me to absolutely know. When it comes to whether or not I believe in a God, I’d have to say no, because I don’t have any faith which I can’t force myself to have or evidence of His existence, at least, what I would consider evidence. When I titled this, “A letter to God”, I truly meant it. It is, in fact my letter to God – assuming He exists. Yes, it is a bit tongue-in-cheek some moments, yes, I am not apologetic for my harsh language or rhetoric, and yes, I sometimes poke fun at things, but that is my writing style with all topics, and it always has been. I have proper essays that I have handed to professors in the same sort of style. Please, don’t mistake my tone for mockery, because it was far from it. I do sincerely apologize for making you feel that way and hope that there are no hard feelings. I believe that religion can be a wonderful thing and faith, to me, seems like something that gives hope, comfort, guidance, and solace. Though, like most things, there are times when it can be damaging. I would never try to take your or anybody else’s faith away from them. That would be arrogant and hurtful and that is not my lot in life. What I will do is continue my own personal quest of investigation through my own reflection and writing. I will try my best to inspire others and be inspired. That is and was my goal. I had no intention to offend.




You have something to say, huh?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s